Saturday, January 03, 2009

In Praise of Bammas and White Trash

As we look to a more enlightened, more progressive 2009 and a return to rationalism (though we'll all be poorer), I feel a sense of loss...even,okay--wistfulness. What will we lose if bumpkinism, superstition, Confederate-envy, ghettofabulosity, nihilsim, mindlessness, petty parochialism, ignorance, irrationality were to disappear entirely?

I've prepared a list of people, places, conditions I would miss terribly. Yes. Miss them. The flava. The Flow. This country is more interesting with them in it (smile):

Any of these idiots performing on, or fans of, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour (yes, Foxworthy, too...though Larry the Cable is fairly harmless)
Wal Mart
Anyone who thinks they sell USA-made goods at Wal Mart
T.D. Jakes
Tyler Perry
Anyone who thinks a stripper pole is essential furniture
T Pain...Lil'Wayne...Flo Rida...every rapper in the Dirty South
Michael Eric Dyson's supporters in the Hood and on those silly hip hop panels
R Kelly's supporters
Joel Osteen
Chance and his family...Tiffany (New York)...and any of those other clowns and hoes on VH1 "reality" shows
All the of Real Housewives of Atlanta
The City of Atlanta, period (and its perpetrating McMansion environs from Duluth to Stone Mountain)
Scary crackers at Palin rallies this fall
Hillbillies who murder doctors who perform abortions (and Idaho Nazis who plant pipe bombs in front of gay bars
Hillibillies who hide or aide hillbilly killers (see above)
Diebolt voting machines
Sean Hannity
Mike Huckabee (sadly...he's not a bad dude, really)
Preachers who take Faith Based cash and buy big Pontiacs with it
Preachers who tell their congregation to pray for big Pontiacs
Preachers who tell their congregation to deny gays/lesbos equal protection of the law
Preachers who don't seem to understand that AIDS is murdering their own people
Jamaican thugs who sneak back to Queens and Miami after they're deported
Jamaican thugs' wives and girlfriends who help them
Folks using the foster care system as a paycheck
Folks who say we need more black folks as foster parents...regardless of whether these candidates are crackheads, molesters, murderers or keep other kids in meat freezers
Crack/heroin dealers
Nihilistic teenage thugs
Nihilistic teenage girls who hook up with and bear children for nihilistic teenage thugs
Geriatric ex-Panthers who rail against Norplant (as the answer to the above)
Anyone who appears on or attends taping of "Maury" or any "Judge so and so" daytime show
Anyone who takes down the 800 number of Buttwood College or Asswipe Online University during commercials while "Maury's" on
Anyone who thinks Army/Marines/Navy commercials are reality and joins up
Anyone who joins the Army/Navy/Marines as employer of last resort...but claims it's for "patriotism"
Anyone who joins the Army/Navy/Marines for boneheaded reasons yet chides cohorts who leave school to build houses in old Ninth ward in NOLA because it's not patriotic
Toby Keith
Mamas who keep sayin' their murdering ass sons/grandsons are "good boys but I can't control 'em"
Mamas who don't get too agitated when their daughters are showing their asses and dropping out of high school--as a means of being attractive to murdering ass suitors (see above)
Ted Nugent
Folks who think Neo Soul and its progeny are bourgie and dead
Folks who listen to regular commercial radio, including canned "R&B and Hip Hop" and "Country" and "Hot Hits"
Folks who don't read
Folks who don't read anything but Triple Crown published "literature" or Carl Weber
Publishers, editors, producers, exhibitors , station managers who dumb down or redneck-up or "simplify" or black-up art, literature, music, films, TV, radio content for white trash or Tyler Perry fans
Bob Johnson
Glenn Beck
Rush Limbaugh's dittoheads (yes lawd)
Old School Race hucksters (black): from Burris (yes Burris!) to GOP tool Blackwell to Jesse, Sr. to poor Bobby Rush
Old School Race hucksters (white): from Newt Gingrich to Trent Lott
Folks who think NASCAR's gotten too "corporate and elite"
Anyone who thought the 8th graders cutting up in the hallways in "Hard Times at Frederick Douglass High" were amusing and normal
Folks who think the NBA is perfect the way it is, and college ball isn't entertaining enough
College hoopsters who turn pro before getting a goddamn degree
High school hoopsters who turn pro before getting a goddamn clue
Anyone who really wants to party with Jay-Z and Beyonce as a couple
Anyone who thinks menacing fools just hanging on the corner are merely "Oliver Twist" urchins, or would be Bill Gates but for racism
Anyone who thinks Joe the Plumber is "the real America"
Anyone who uses the term "real America"
Anyone who thinks white people aren't the ones truly juicing state Medicaid, or Medicare, or any other "entitlement" program
Anyone who accuses liberals of being socialists...yet lives in a state wholly dependent on Uncle Sam for political pork, federal land, military bases, farm subsidies...
Yes, I'd miss these things which spice up our America. Hey, why don't you add yours here______________
The Holidays end. (sigh) But cheers in 09.


tchaka owen said...

Chris, I've found out that WalMart is the cheapest place to buy bullets. Other than that, I don't go there and i'm 100% in agreement with your list (I read it all).

ps- shouldn't stripper poles be essential furniture? :-D

Anonymous said...

Chris, I agree with most of your list, but I hvew to say that you should take Atlnata off of this list and add all of Florida instead. Also, I think you should take off the Army/Navey/Marines and all of those vocational schools that actually help people who decide or for other reasons do not go on to college. Not everyone has the option to go to an Ivy League university like yourself, so I support those who want to better themselves and make an effort.

Anonymous said...

You are sickly evil ;-) But you are also gentleman & a scholar for your veiled shout-out to the United States Air Force!

Uno ab Alto!

Pebbles Flintstone said...

You're so wrong! LOL Especially about Larry the Cable Guy. He is just as annoying as the rest of them!

Lisa said...

OMG. You aren't shy are you? Or are you saying you really WOULD miss all of this? hehehehe

Speaking as a transplanted Brooklyn girl with a Bronx daddy, I applaud your choice of Atlanta. We went so wrong when Hip Hop left its roots and went south!!

But riddle me this Nat Turner-does your snarky little piece also relate to people who went into the "Army/Navy/Marines" as OFFICERS or graduated from one of the service academies AND are purely patriotic, hmmm? My hubby's an Annapolis grad, son!! Go Navy Football!! Of course if you asked him abut enlisted Army and lord the Marines, his elitist azz would likely agree with you!!

TigerHawk said...

tchaka owen - Why the bullets exception? Isn't WalMart the cheapest place to buy most stuff? There is, for example, no better place to do the annual "tighty-whitey reload."

Anonymous said...

You are an asshole. Nothing but self hatred yet you think you're funny.

Anonymous said...

Chris, will you miss the 2nd Anon?

Anonymous said...

You'll MISS Ted Nugent?!

Explain the Blackwell and Burris hustler thing. I think I know where you're going on that, but...

Ms. Pam said...

Well, that about sums it up! Happy New Year

Anonymous said...

..Bourgie black man who beat the hell out of wives behind the walls of gilded mini mansions in Prince George's County.

..Black men with a little cheddar skipping off to Thailand, the Dominican Republic, Colombia, Cuba and Brazil to exploit the impoverished women and girls much like the white slave masters exploited our mothers. Does this mean we have arrived?

Christopher Chambers said...

OK my info on the Brazil thing and DR is of brothers going down there to have sex with trannies, or am I misinformed?

Anonymous said...

They're following the trannies? I wonder why? We have perfectly sexy he-shes in the States. Must every aspect of the economy be globalized.


Seriously, there was an article about black men and sex tourism by W. Jelani Cobb in Essence in 2006.

I know two guys who would go on and on about going to Brazil. One had a PhD, but I truly don't think he read anything that wasn't job-related after he graduated. So although he was highly educated, he wasn't the type of person who enjoyed learning (or travel) for personal enrichment. The other hadn't been to college and I wouldn't be surprised if he was a high school drop-out. Since I know they were not interested cultural immersion and other than going to the beaches, I couldn't figure out why they were ready to catch the first plane to Rio. It's not like Rio is a safe destination.

Then I read that article and it explained alot.

My opinion of both guys changed, especially when Dr. Perv returned and said he was planning a trip to Thailand next.

Knute Rife said...

You'll miss them? Or do you mean you're missing them...with every bullet so far?

@TigerHawk (aka KillerParrot)
I think Costco's the best deal for reloads.

@Anonymous 4:25
And just how many times are you on Christopher's list?

Anonymous said...

Ha! Lisa's comment about the roots of hip hop are hilarious. The state of NY hip hop is horrendous when the likes of 50 Cent is its face. I can't hate on one of the best groups EVER Outkast who hail from Atlanta, and even Ludacris to some degree who's lyrics never praised gun play, drug dealing and the like. Now, there is quite a bit of mysogyny but that can certainly be said of the "root" of hip hop as well.

Anonymous said...

Monica's right. Brother's head to those spots for sex-capades of the 4th kind. Some may go the tranny route. I'm not too sure about that. But, I do know that a good share go down to sexually abuse the hell out of the women for white folks, a bunch of those pervs head to those countries for little boys. Sad, but true.

Anonymous said...

You forgot The NFL and NBA players

Anonymous said...

very useful read. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did anyone know that some chinese hacker had hacked twitter yesterday again.

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Anonymous said...

Trinidad ftw =D

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Anonymous said...

Chris, I agree with most of your list, but I hvew to say that you should take Atlnata off of this list and add all of Florida instead. Also, I think you should take off the Army/Navey/Marines and all of those vocational schools that actually help people who decide or for other reasons do not go on to college. Not everyone has the option to go to an Ivy League university like yourself, so I support those who want to better themselves and make an county mortgagedesigner clothing