Tuesday, October 10, 2006

"Lying is OK 'cause it keeps me safe..."

E-diary of Brian Tallywacker, Charlantaham, Red State, USA,October 10, 2006. Dear Diary:
I'm rolling out with my buddies from InaTech Billing Systems & Truck Ignitions on Saturday to play as many holes as possible before the rain. We all live in the same neighborhood--Fox Chase Glen Manor Woods, all pretty brick and glass and we got our trucks and our wives, bless 'em: Sydney, Cissy, Sloan, Mary Kate they do NOT have to work outside of the home. Quality of life, folks! We all worship at the North Side Baptist Liberty Coliseum & Convention Center. Yeah, Cissy piles Brian, Jr., Emma, Katelin, Fatelin, Aiden, Jaden & the baby in the Expedition and we all drive a mile to the services, just like we drive a mile to the Piggly Wiggly and it only takes about an hour! Cheez, why do these folks on the south side...you know, black people, whine so much about having to take the bus? The little Spanish fellows me and Scot hire to do the lawns for the homeowners association, they dont complain! Why can't these folk be like my black neighbor...man he is so cool. I say "What up, dude!" That's be Buck O'Black, all-pro middle linebaker for the PantherHawks and the pride of Auburn U! He doesn't sit there and harp on t those lazy folks who brought Hurricane Katrina on themselves! Yeah baby...he just wants to whip the Saints asses in the Dome again! Gooooo PantherHawks! His friends are so cool, too. Aw man--I love those girls with their big booties who come over in those cars, but you know, Buck always asks our permission about the parking and the noise...and guess what...he's always at Northside just praying away come Sunday morning. I never see his wife, though.

Well, I am pissed...you know, on fire about this Foley thing. These damn liberals and their hack jobs! Assassins, all. Pastor Joel Falwell told us to foregive the good Congressman, and he even had that black preacher with the big helicopter, Reverend T.D. Jacks, come in and pray for Mr. Foley, Mr. Hastert and for our President. They say he lied about Iraq and the 9-11 terorists being there. My little brother Brodie's a Marine out of Camp Lejeune by God, and he's still over there, looking for those al Qaidas and he'll find them, 'cause we don't cut and run. And so what if our President kept stuff from us, then there're things we don't need to know! So what good men kept quiet about another fighter, a champion, Mark Foley, is OK by me! There are things that are private, and shouldn't be aired. Things like homosexuality. I'm starting to rethink all that. See--I am tolerant. Lord I did some things when I was Rush Chairman at Sigma Gamma Smegma Fraternity, Inc. I don't want folks to know about, and what about those awful rumors about Cissy and Buck O'Black's roommate Big Tyrone when she was at Auburn? Cissy says better to put it all in the past, as Pastor Joel says. Visualize that new 8 ton family SUV, rolling up to the lake! Bill O'Reilly and Rush said it true the other day. Lyin' keep us safe. That way, we dont have a lot of follishness inside our heads, and can just go to work, relax with our families. Besides, I saw on Fox News a picture of the fellow Mr. Foley hooked up with in 2000:

Does that look like a child to you? Hell no!!! That's a man! Leave the Congressman alone, and leave Mr. Hastert alone. They were silent to keep us safe. And yeah...that's a man all right. A damn good-looking man...I gotta go y'all. See you in the pews Sunday...or maybe Brian, Jr.'s soccer practice before we head on over to Applebees for family dinner...


Anonymous said...

Chriiiiiiiis...The Spock animation with Charlie Murphy's voice had me laughing out loud so much that the senior producer came in and I had to show her the clip. It's barely nine in the a.m. here bruh.Morning drive time and we need the laugh!

Brian Tallywacker? Steve or Tom or Mike would have been better. You ill, Chris. Ill. I love it! Very Chappelle-like. Do you think white people will get angry? If they understand the satire, then they shouldn't. You got the big church (Joel Falwell? damn), the SUVs where it takes an hour to go a mile and nobody's walking. You the bus issue. No one wants to turn the spotlight on themselves. That is why I dug the Black O'Buck thing. That was funny and deep, man. Have you read "Forty Million Dollar Slaves" yet? "Reverend T.D. Jacks?" praying for Foley and Bush? You may be right. Have to ask cuz in Texas!

Keep up the good work and let me know when you are coming to Bay Area for a signing so we can set something up. Send me more info on Brandon Massey's collection (#3 has your new story?)


Anonymous said...

I think I have a sense of humor and understand Swiftian satire, but I think you've taken stereotypes to make you point too far, especially in your pillorying of people who take their faith seriously. Say what you will about large congregations with charismatic leadership, but you should paint the families as ignorant or zombies. That said, it was a humorous touch at the end regarding the writer's and Mr. Foley's "desires."